The Lenten season must have crept deeply into my nerves that I am having my personal retreat-recollection right in front of the television. Not that the show on TV is a preachy type condemning sinners to repent from their sins, but I am hit to that extent anyway. Making it more funny is the fact that the show is a recent local movie with the theme of forgiveness but was presented i a very light tone. I am not sure if I cried after the movie but the fact is I was deeply moved by the thought of forgiveness to the extent of praying repeatedly for forgiveness for those that I have wronged in the past.
I can not actually count or even estimate roughly those enemies I have generated up to this point in my life. I am aware that I am a detached individual who is not good at reconciliation which maybe is the reason that I have accumulated that much. Of all my skills maybe I am best at making criticisms. Criticisms that hurt a lot of people. I feel no remorse on doing that as I have always used honesty and being vocal as an excuse to appease my conscience. I have accepted long ago that this is a friendless life.
I am not so sure what in the movie made me very repentant as I have watched a variety of that kind of parental conflict-resolution drama with most of it better portrayed. As I was watching the movie all memories of me hurting all my friends rushed in. I suddenly felt guilty.
After all the drama and the hype of emotions subsided, I was left with one question whether to go on with this kind of life or should I say sorry to every soul I have or may not have deliberately hurt. The bitch in me is unyielding for it suppresses every desire to do this. Maybe someday I may be able to do it. Maybe the movie was not enough to inspire me to defeat all my inner demons. But should I blame the insufficiency of inspiration derived from the movie even if I know that the change must come from the personal choice to be better?
